Are You Guilty of These 4 Toxic Relationship Habits? Or Is Your Partner? (Break toxic relationship patterns)

We can’t always prevent conflict. But we can acknowledge it, see it for what it truly is, and work to manage it, repair, and rebuild.

In the intricate realm of relationship dynamics, Dr. John Gottman’s renowned work has identified four destructive behaviors he calls the “Four Horsemen.” These relationship killers—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—can severely impact the health and longevity of a relationship.

What are the Four Horsemen?

Criticism

• Definition: Criticism goes beyond expressing a complaint and can turn into attacking a partner’s character, involving sweeping negative statements about a person.

Contempt

• Definition: Contempt is a toxic blend of anger and disgust, often manifested through sarcasm, eye-rolling, or name-calling. It lacks appreciation for a partner and the will to fight the negative feelings.

Defensiveness

• Definition: Defensiveness arises when one feels unjustly accused and attempts to protect themselves. It can be characterized by avoiding responsibility for behaviors and one’s part in a conflict, as well as refusing to validate a partner’s viewpoint.

Stonewalling

• Definition: Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws from the interaction, shutting down emotionally, and discouraging effort to address the issues.

What Can You Do?

But antidotes exist—strategies to counteract these destructive tendencies and foster healthier communication and connection. Gottman’s research describes how to confront the toxic effects of the Four Horsemen and promote healthier communication patterns.

Criticism

• Antidote: Instead of criticizing, express feelings and needs using “I” statements and make specific requests. This approach fosters a more constructive dialogue and helps partners understand each other better. Expressing concerns with a gentle start-up can help, focusing on specific behaviors rather than making broad accusations.

Contempt

• Antidote: Building a relationship culture of appreciation and respect serves as a powerful antidote to contempt. Expressing gratitude, showing affection, and actively turning towards positive aspects of the relationship create a foundation of mutual respect, managing the feelings by cultivating appreciation and the will to counteract the negativity.

Defensiveness

• Antidote: Taking responsibility for one’s actions and avoiding a defensive stance is critical. A successful approach involves adopting a mindset of understanding and acknowledging the partner’s perspective to promote open communication. Validating a partner’s perspective and avoiding counter-accusations can break the cycle of defensiveness.

Stonewalling

• Antidote: To counteract stonewalling, a partner can implement self-soothing techniques and set aside dedicated time for constructive conversation. Creating an environment where both partners feel safe expressing themselves can prevent emotional withdrawal. Key here is recognizing signs of stonewalling and implementing mitigating strategies like taking a break and returning to the conversation later.

Recognition is the First Step

By really seeing and addressing these common pitfalls, couples can pave the way for healthier, more resilient relationships. A healthy partnership isn’t a given. Couples need tools for navigating conflicts, fostering understanding, and ultimately building a stronger connection.

We’ve all been there. But we don’t have to stay there.

Please reach out to break toxic relationship patterns and give you and your partner the best chance to be successful.