How to Say “I’m Sorry.” (And Make it Matter)

You may have heard the wisdom, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”

It’s an attractive fantasy. It’s also misleading, dangerous, and flat-out wrong. Running with it could end your relationship or even lead to marriage issues and divorce.

Loving relationships offer a place to grow, take risks in an emotionally safe environment, and become more self-aware. Unfortunately, they won’t make you perfect. We’re all going to make mistakes, no matter how much we love people. Acknowledging and working through them together is key to managing conflict and increasing intimacy in healthy relationships.

Why is Apologizing So Tricky?

We’ve all gotten an apology that was unsatisfying and missed the mark. So, why can apologizing be so difficult?

Accepting fault means admitting wrongdoing and failure, which requires vulnerability and humility. This may be a struggle for some, but the rewards are critical. As a meta-analysis of 175 studies on apologies found, apologizing is a crucial step to forgiveness and can benefit the giver as well as the receiver. It strengthens a relationship by reducing guilt, encouraging effective communication, and nurturing self-compassion.

Apologizing Effectively

Renowned psychologist and relationship expert John Gottman, Ph.D. describes 4 steps essential to a successful apology:

1. Apologize

• Take the leap of clearly and genuinely saying you’re sorry.

2. Take Responsibility

• Communicate that you recognize and acknowledge your error.

3. Propose How You Will Resolve the Situation

• For example, “I will take these steps to correct and make amends for my actions.”

4. Ask for Forgiveness

• Simply and directly say, “Will you forgive me?”

Many psychologists highlight the need for sincerity, awareness, being present, and practicing loving-kindness and compassion in the apology process. Dr. Cheryl Frasier of the Gottman Institute advocates for what she calls Mindful Apology. Research by Dr. Karin Schumann of the Conflict Resolution Lab at the University of Pittsburgh indicates that for a show of remorse to be truly constructive and meaningful, it should focus on the other person’s feelings and needs, not just one’s own.

There’s no absolute consensus on how to give the perfect apology. But experts in the field agree on certain key elements of a productive apology.

Express Regret

It’s not enough to say you “want” or “would like” to apologize. Actually apologize and own your behavior.

Explain

Being specific about what you’ve done – describing, not defending – can show you understand the other person’s perspective and make them feel understood. It’s rarely constructive to get caught in justifications or making excuses. An effective apology isn’t about defending yourself or making yourself feel better. It takes responsibility, meaning that using conditional words like “but” are unhelpful and miss the point.

Acknowledge Harm

Studies have found that taking ownership, or admitting wrongdoing, is one of the most essential pieces of an effective apology. What you meant to do is less important than the effect it had. Showing that you see how you hurt the other person allows them to feel understood and validated.

Commit to Trying Not to Do It Again

Showing that you’re willing to make an effort to avoid repeating your behavior is vital to building back trust, confidence, and a feeling of safety. It also helps refocus on the future.

Vow to Repair

Laying out how you’re going to correct the actions that led to the conflict gives the apology substance and is more likely to lead to forgiveness.

Request Forgiveness and Begin Again

The final step is to simply ask for forgiveness, with a focus on repairing the damage and rebuilding trust.